I haven't written a blog entry since the date of Gregory's death.  It's time.  Read on further and you'll understand why.

For those who "aren't sure" if we all receive signs/messages from heaven when someone we are close to leaves us I want to share with you something that is in no way, shape or form a coincidence:  Gregory's very much alive in heaven watching over us!  I've struggled to "believe" this concept and it's beginning to be apparent. 

When someone is full of so much life it's impossible to take them away.  There is no such thing as death.  What it should be called is "physical death" because the soul does live on in heaven, watching over loved ones, guiding them.  I'm beginning to understand more than I ever have in this life, once again, through the soul of my son.  He guided me when he was with me in physical form and he continues to guide me from his new home.  If we open our minds and our souls we too will see "the signs" from those who are trying to communicate.  Spiritual life does not die, only the physical body leaves our lives.  Gregory truly is in a better place and he's desperately trying to tell us all that he's still with us daily.

Monday night, New Years Eve, Kaitlyn, Tim and I are alone on our lanai like we have never been before on a New Years Eve in our past 19 years on this earth.  We chose to not sit and watch the ball drop as I have done since I was less than Kaitlyn's age and Kaitlyn has done since she was born.  Our lives have been shattered and we are desperately attempting to pick up the pieces choosing the "Ok everyone, 2008 is the year of 'me' attitude" and "I am going to make my mind, body and spirit healthier and try and work through this horrible feeling of loss" feeling the three of us were sharing together alone, without Gregory.  I truly believe that I personally can not be good for anyone until I am healthy in my mind.  This is what came over my mind as midnight hit.  It was now 2008.  After saying a few choice words to 2007, which I will not write here, I said "OK, 2008, I'm ready to work towards moving forward personally".  I turned towards Kaitlyn first, hugging and kissing her, my baby, my sweetheart child who has been through a life of hell not by choice.  Then I turned towards my husband, second, the man who chose to take on this situation but had no idea what he was getting himself into but has not walked away.  And then we all sat there, alone, without Gregory.  Kaitlyn looked at me and Tim saying "OK, now lets look for signs from Gregory".  There were none, at that moment.

About 15 minutes after we rang in the new year we all went to bed.  Kaitlyn in her room.  Tim and myself in our room.  Tim began his usual channel flipping, avoiding Dick Clarke's New Years Rockin' Eve knowing that I would lose it if I saw the show (for more reasons than the obvious.  Has anyone heard the music that's being published these days?  Geesh!)  Anyway, he flipped channels for about 10 minutes, boring me with ESPN, MSNBC, Discovery.  Nothing was on television.  Then, out of the clear blue he flipped to the Golf Channel and Gregory spoke to us.  To both of our eyes we saw the most amazing site:  A show titled "My World:  Greg Norman"!  Both of us looked at one another in amazement and were glued to the television.  Yes, Gregory, we received your message listening to Mr. Norman talking about his life, his determination, his passion and his relationship with his son.  I was feeling beaten and run over back a Mack truck.  I have been suffering from the worst depression in my life, feeling as if I had hit rock bottom with no rope.  I had been plagued with despairing hopes of how I would be able to face this new year of  2008 with uncertainty not knowing Kaitlyn's fate in the future.  I saw with my own eyes your message of encouragement through subtlety from heaven.  Greg Norman inspired you.  He befriended you, giving you confidence.  He gave you the unstoppable feeling that you could make a difference by starting your foundation.  You and Greg Norman were "supposed" to meet to inspire one another.  I received your sign Gregory and I understand what I must do and where I must go to do it.  I remember what we said to one another for many years.  I feel our bond stronger than ever.  I realize that there is no such thing as death when there is the strongest of love involved.  Gregory, I understand what you want me to do and I will do it with your soul as part of my own.  I received your message loud and clear.

I made Gregory several promises and I intend on keeping them.  In 2008 I will rebound through counseling and medication.  I will persevere and be stronger than I was before my son was taken from my arms.  I will remain true to my sons goal in finding cures for cancers as he truly believed they were available but not yet found.  I will never let anything break my spirit.  My son may have been ripped from my arms in physical form but he will never leave my soul.  Gregory has inspired too many people to allow myself to go down personally.  If he was able to inspire strangers how could I possibly allow him to not continue to inspire the person he was closest to in his life?  We were and will always be "soul mates" and we will work together from earth and heaven in this year and the coming years to help others.  I "get it" Gregory and I won't let you down.  Thank you baby.  "I'll love you forever, forever I love you.  As long as I'm living my baby you'll be!"

I love you!

Ditto X 7!

My baby, the love of my life, left my arms this morning to soar with the angels.  He was at peace, gently sleeping when he took his last earthly breath.  There hasn't been one second since that I haven't ache missing him but I know he is with me.  I feel his presense and always will.

This Saturday September 15th at 10:00 a.m. we will have a memorial service honoring Gregory's life at Gulf Coast High School.  

Peace to all of you who love my son.

Peace to you, my son, for teaching us all how to love in your eloquent way.

Yesterday morning Gregory slipped into a coma and remains in a very peaceful state as I write this blog.  I am by his side as I promised him I would be and our entire family and network of close friends and Hospice of Naples are making him remain comfortable.  We have all said what we have needed to say and, as I have said before, it's now between Gregory and his God.

Please continue to pray for Gregory to pass into Greg Sr.'s arms, to hear his Grandpa Dick tell him how proud he is of him and to see his Uncle Pat again.  There are so many new members of his adopted family that he has yet to meet also and I know that Grandma and Grandpa Lang and Grandma and Grandpa Bodell are going to love him!  We all ache inside at losing our son and brother but understand that he needs to go be with his God to learn of his new tasks from heaven for eternity.  Thank you for your continuing prayers.  It's hard for me to ask for everyone to pray for something so horrendous but it's what's best for our beloved Gregory at this time.  I know everyone will understand my request because you all love Gregory also.

Go be at peace Gregory.  I'll love you forever, forever I'll love you.  As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.

Mom

I want to share something about myself tonight.  So many messages have come through to Gregory from people from all around the country that he has changed their lives and those messages have been extremely powerful for him to hear and for me to read.  I am so proud of my little 6' 3" boy for the impact he has had but I am personally grateful to him for what he has done for me.  Please allow me to share this with you.

When I took the Myers-Briggs test a few years ago it revealed that I was 78% emotional and 12% thinking...that's not a great combination to live with because my emotional side has a tendency to overpower my thinking side and it has, on occasion, gotten me into trouble.  After extensive counseling I've learned the tools to help my two sides work together to "think before I get too emotional".  During this time since Gregory was diagnosed in 2005 I've had a lot of emotion and it's been quite the trick to keep my thinking side straight...so much so that I've, at times, squelched my emotional side not allowing it to show for fear of vulnerability.  This morning as I lay in bed watching Gregory sleep I had a thought come over me that was transforming.  My son changed my way of thinking in an instant with a single thought that entered my head as I watched him breath:  I must take the moment I am in and enjoy it, savor it, regardless if it is what I want at the time because in an instant things will change my forever if I don't appreciate what I have at the moment...It doesn't matter if it's not what I want in the present....I must be patient, forgiving and happy for what I have in front of me and not look to what I don't or won't have in the future...if I do that I will ruin the present and therefore ruin what lays before me now, a gift!

Tonight I took Gregory out on the lanai (that's a southern outdoor screened-in patio to you northerners :)  We talked about exactly what I just said in the paragraph above.   I told him that he had changed me forever and I thanked him.  Gregory's response was "That makes me so happy Mom.  I really feel wonderful that my situation and my story can take so many different forms pertaining to different situations in peoples lives.  That makes me feel really good and it's amazing too."    I agreed with him.  It was very important for me to tell Gregory that he had changed my relm of thinking because he has struggled with me for many years trying to help me as I've dealt with my personal issues.   I wanted him to know that I will no longer look ahead and say "I wish" but will look in the mirror and say "What lays before me is OK and I am thankful".   I hope I gave my son the same sense of peace he gave me today knowing that I am going to be OK because I am...because of him.  Thank you Gregory.  You've inspired your stubborn Swedish Mom!  Grandpa Dick, I'm sure, is very proud of you.

Peace, Ann

I haven't written a blog in several days.  I'm struggling to keep positive and have had trouble finding positive things to say as I watch Gregory slip away more and more each day.   Thankfully he isn't in any pain and sleeps most of the day.  Cognitively he's struggling to find correct words and is "day dreaming" a lot of the time thinking very sweet, happy things.  Gregory is in a good place.  That's what matters. 

To say that this isn't painful for all of us in this household and for those who love Gregory would be a lie.  It is the most horrific thing I have ever had to endure.  I sit and watch Kaitlyn keeping a close eye on her psyche and see her pain.  I see Tim's pain constantly as he watches the son he has grown to love deteriorate before his eyes and I watch Peter's face as he sees is best buddy slipping away.  But even after having said all of that I can't help but watch Gregory breathe and say "thank you God" for having him here with us a little longer.  I know he's not able to express himself verbally but there are other ways of expressing one's self and Gregory has found them to help us through this time.  Just a few minutes ago I wiped his brow and told him I made him homemade vegetable soup to which he replied with a smile and a sigh.  When I hold his hand he gently squeezes mine so I know he's feeling me next to him.  And several times throughout the day he opens his eyes, especially when Brianna's here, to say a word or two humerous or loving things just so we know that he's still with us even in his weakened state.  So many people have written to me recently and said that Gregory is not done here on this earth yet and I have to believe they are correct.  I've contemplated those words throughout my recent days and nights and tried to understand what is left for Gregory to do but have come to the realization that I am just not supposed to understand.  I am just supposed to accept and keep holding his hand.  This is between Gregory and our God now.  I am his Mother and always will be his Mother but this is out of my control.  This is out of the doctors control who are amazed he is still with us.  This is between Gregory and his God.  I trust them both.

So I will continue to trust God and, as always, my son and wake each day saying "thank you for another day with my son being alive with me".  I will continue to search for the positive and fight the negative thoughts that often enter into my head throughout the day.  I will remain thankful for the simplest of things and tell the anger to go away.  I will no longer bargain or beg but continue to pray for more miracles and I will forever try and accept that my son will not live with us much longer on earth realizing that he's needed in heaven.    But until that time I will cherish.

Peace,   Ann